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Plumber Jokes

(Total Poems: 5 | Viewed: 8947 times)

Plumber Or Lawyer

A prominent lawyer calls a plumber to fix a leak in his shower.

After about 25 minutes the plumber hands him a bill for $200.00.

The lawyer, enraged, says: “I’m a famous trial lawyer, and even I don’t make that kind of money for 25 minutes work!”

“Neither did I when I was a lawyer”, says the plumber.
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(Votes:4)

Million Dollar Frog

A contractor walks into his neighborhood bar and says to the bartender, “Hey Joe, you know how I’m always having to get rid of critters when I do crawljobs?”

The bartender smiles, “You complain about it all the time, Bob.”

“Well, if I show you something really cool, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. “Check this out!” he says. “I found him last week while I was fixing Missus Jones’ ductwork.” He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

The barteneder is amazed, and pours Bob a beer. After Bob finishes his drink, he asks the bartender, “If I show you an even cooler trick, will you give me free beers for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat again. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The contractor reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.

Number after number, the frog sings his head off. Everyone in the bar is amazed.

While the contractor is enjoying his beers, a stranger walks up to him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the contractor replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The contractor finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!”

“Don’t worry about it.” the contractor answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
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(Votes:3)

Parrot And Plumber

A plumber is called to the house of a cute little old lady. He spies a doberman sitting in the kitchen drooling and growling under his breath, and a parrot whistling contentedly next to him on his perch.

Half-way through the job, the little old lady tells him she’s going to the grocery store. His back to the doberman, he begins to sweat. Then he asks the little old lady if he’ll be safe while she’s away.

The old lady smiles sweetly and says: “Oh yes! Poopsie is so sweet. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’s a good doggie.”

Then the old lady adds: “Oh. but whatever you do, don’t say anything to the parrot!”

Relieved, the plumber resumes his work. After the little old lady leaves, the parrot starts making a horrible racket. He makes insults, and calls the plumber names.

The plumber cannot even concentrate on his work. Losing his temper completely, the plumber glares at the bird and screams: “Shut up, you feathered fruitcake!”, and goes back to the sink. The bird is stunned silent.

A few seconds later, the parrot squawks: “Sick him, Poopsie!”
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(Votes:3)

The Old Old Man

A guy is driving down the road when he sees an old, old man sitting on a stump, bawling his eyes out.

So the guy stops the car and asks the old man what’s the matter.

“I’ve had a great life,” says the old man. “I’m a successful plumber, and I just sold my company to a large corporate builder for gazillions.”

The guy says, “So what’s the problem?”

The old man snuffles into his sleeve and says, “I built myself a huge mansion with a swimming pool!”

The guy looks puzzled and says, “Okay, so what’s the problem?”

The old man wails and says, “I own a fleet of beautiful cars, and my own private jet!”

The guy scratches his head and says, “I’m with you so far, but I still don’t see what the problem is.”

The old man blows his nose loudly and says, “Yesterday I got married to a 20-year-old Playboy bunny!”

The guy loses his temper. “Dammit, old man – what is your problem?”

The old man sobs piteously. “I can’t remember where I live!
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(Votes:3)

You Know You’re A Contractor If

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

2. You wear specific hats to tool sales, equipment auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

4. You’ve never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

5. You can remember the square footage, pounds of nails required, crew labor rates and permit delays on a house you built 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.

6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

7. You have driven off the road while checking out the new housing development in your neighborhood.

8. You have ‘borrowed’ gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

10. You’ve used the same knife to exterminate vermin and peel apples.
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(Votes:3)
 

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