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Contractor Jokes

(Total Poems: 5 | Viewed: 7811 times)

Dead Mule – Smart Contractor

A building contractor does extremely well and decides to retire and become a Gentleman Farmer. He buys himself a big ranch and gets right down to it.

One day, the contractor is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A neighboring farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the contractor. “You need a mule to plow that wet ground.” he says.

“Where can I buy one?” asks the contractor.

“Just happens I gots one for 100 dollars.” says the farmer.

The contractor looks at his shiny tractor stuck in three feet of thick mud. “I’ll take him,” he says, and counts out the money.

“Cain’t bring him over today, don’t work on Sunday. Bring it by tomorrow, ‘k?”

“Sure.” says the contractor.

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. “Sorry, bad news.” he says, “I went out after breakfast and the mule was dead. See?” he points to the dead mule in the back of his truck.

“Well, no harm done, just give me my money back.” says the contractor.

“Can’t, spent it already!” the farmer looks crestfallen.

The contractor thinks for a few minutes, then smiles at his neighbor. “Tell you what, Cletus. You go ahead and unload the mule anyways.”

“Whatcha gonna do with a dead mule?”

The contractor smiles. “Same thing I used to do out on a job when I got stuck with a load of crap material. Don’t you worry, none. Just load that mule right up into the back of my truck and we’ll be square.”

The old farmer shakes his head at the obvious stupidity of his new city slicker neighbor, but what the heck, he thinks, and loads the mule up into the contractor’s truck.

A month goes by and the contractor and farmer run into each other at the town barber shop. By now the whole county had heard about the big city contractor buying a dead mule for $100.

“What did ya do with that dead mule?” asks the farmer, with a sly wink at the other guys in the barbershop.

The contractor sits himself right down in the barber’s chair, and smiles wide. “Told ya – same as I used to do whenever I got stuck with a load of crap material. Raffled him off.”

“Raffled him off? How on earth did you manage to raffle off a dead mule?”

“I listed his height, weight, and color, and sold 100 tickets at two dollars each. Made $98 dollars profit.”

“Didn’t anyone complain?”

“Just the one guy, so I gave him his two dollars back!”
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2
(Votes:2)

Contractor And Lawyer in Heaven

A contractor and a lawyer are in car accident and show up at the Pearly Gates together.

St. Peter greets them. “Come with me, my sons,” he says. “I will take you to the homes where you will spend all of eternity.”

The contractor and the lawyer get into St. Peter’s holy convertible, and they all head on down a beautiful golden road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with sparkling diamonds.

They pull up in front of a huge luxury mansion, where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, “Here is your home for the rest of eternity, my son, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.”

The contractor is pretty excited as St. Peter goes back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, and onto the street of gold. Then they turn down an avenue of silver, drive along a stone alley and over an unpaved footpath to pull up in front of a rickety aluminum-siding cabin with a little picket fence.

St Peter says, “Here you go!” and starts to leave.

“Hey now, wait just a minute here!” says the shocked contractor. “I’ve been a good man all my life! I always did my business honestly, treated others fairly, cherished my family, and was a good steward of the Earth! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”

St. Peter says: “Well, contractors are a dime a dozen here, but we’ve never had a lawyer before.”
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1
(Votes:1)

Million Dollar Frog

A contractor walks into his neighborhood bar and says to the bartender, “Hey Joe, you know how I’m always having to get rid of critters when I do crawljobs?”

The bartender smiles, “You complain about it all the time, Bob.”

“Well, if I show you something really cool, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. “Check this out!” he says. “I found him last week while I was fixing Missus Jones’ ductwork.” He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

The barteneder is amazed, and pours Bob a beer. After Bob finishes his drink, he asks the bartender, “If I show you an even cooler trick, will you give me free beers for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat again. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The contractor reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.

Number after number, the frog sings his head off. Everyone in the bar is amazed.

While the contractor is enjoying his beers, a stranger walks up to him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the contractor replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The contractor finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!”

“Don’t worry about it.” the contractor answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
2
1
(Votes:3)

T.G.I.F

A contractor is working on a roof when a blonde walks by. She smiles at the guy and in a perky voice says, “T.G.I.F!”.

The contractor looks at her and replies, “S – H – I – T.!”.

The blond’s smile falters a bit as she digests the contractor’s response. Then she smiles her biggest, friendliest smile and says, “T.G.I.F.!”.

Again the contractor responds by saying, “S – H – I – T.!”.

The woman is obviously quite upset and asks the contractor, “Don’t you know that T.G.I.F means Thank God Its Friday?”.

The contractor says,”Yes I do, and S – H – I – T. means Sorry Honey Its Thursday!”.
3
0
(Votes:3)

A Contractor in Heaven

Imagine a contractor dies on a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.

Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”

“Congratulations for what?” asks the contractor

“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter. “We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”

“But that’s not true,” says the consultant. “I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter, “we added up your time sheets!”
5
0
(Votes:5)
 

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